Luke
15:20 And [the prodigal son] arose and came to his father. But while he was
still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and
embraced him and kissed him.
What joy there was that day! The lost,
wasteful son turned toward home, and his father ran to greet, embrace and
reinstate him. Think of all that our gracious God has done to resolve conflict
with us, even though the cause of the conflict was our own sin! It was for this
purpose that Jesus Christ, the spotless lamb, went to the cross, to reconcile
us to God (Rom 5:6-11).
So why is it so hard for us to resolve
conflicts among ourselves? What ideas and steps might help husbands and wives,
and estranged friends, come back together again?
The following recommendations for conflict
resolution are not completely original. In fact, I may have collected them from
several sources and edited them as I thought best. Perhaps others will find
these approaches useful.
To resolve conflict:
1.
Select one important issue. Decide
what the conflict really is. Get beneath outward symptoms to root causes. State
the matter as objectively and fairly as possible, in terms that both of you can
accept. Not, “You are lazy or selfish!” but, “We are not taking care of this
house or our money as we need to.”
2.
Decide how important the conflict is
in relative terms. How does it compare to other conflicts you have had or might
have on a 1-10 scale? How much of a threat does it pose to your relationship?
Is the battle worth the possible cost and damage? What will result if you take
no action at this time?
3.
Ask yourself: “What would God want to
be the outcome of this conflict? What would Satan want?” Pray that God will
work on your heart and your spouse’s heart and that He will protect you from
Satan’s attempts to hurt your marriage through this conflict.
4.
Decide that the conflict will be
resolved.
5.
Schedule a meeting. Set a time and
place without distractions.
6.
Begin with the areas in which you
agree. Your family values, your priorities, your beliefs. Start at the top and
work your way down. Pleasing God … doing what Jesus would do … serving each
other … making your marriage last a lifetime … raising your children to make
Christ-centered choices …
7.
List the ways you each have
contributed to the problem. Take turns listening and talking. Do not interrupt.
Paraphrase each other’s point of view.
8.
List past failed efforts to resolve
the issue.
9.
Brainstorm. Together pool ideas and propose five possible
solutions.
10.
Discuss and evaluate each approach.
Look for a win/win approach.
11.
Select one solution that you both
agree to try. Give your spouse the opportunity to choose first. If his or her
approach is not effective, you will get to try yours.
12.
Agree how you each will work toward
this solution. Share responsibility.
13.
Schedule a meeting within the next
week to discuss your progress.
14.
Pay attention to each other during
the week. Praise every contribution that
your partner makes toward the solution. Put your spouse’s direction above his
or her perfection or distance covered.
15.
Seek help from a mutual friend,
spiritual leader, or professional counselor.
