As we study Leviticus, you may enjoy this humorous adaptation of "biblical" language that a father uses to explain the rules to his children at home. It is written by Ian Frazier.
Of the beasts of the
field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my
sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled
or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the
cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living
room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and
of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen
after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the
juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink,
but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when
you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or
beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and
are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws Concerning Food
and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
And if you are
seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use,
keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees,
nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even
when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an
abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither
use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what
they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you
will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face
in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.
When you chew your
food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to
show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even
if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. Eat your food only; do
not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor
use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not
touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does indeed
resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do
not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,
that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the
other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit
like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have
said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to
Dessert
For we judge between
the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the
plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws
are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with
each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas,
eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill
two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you
shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes
uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And
if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that
it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.
And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for
it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two
foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice
rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of
your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the
server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a
portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness,
again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and
cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat,
neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I
have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and
Hands
Cast your
countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may
more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of
your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and
upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner
wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger
in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous
they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I
have done.
Various Other Laws,
Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you
be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath
water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package;
nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone,
for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not
that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.
Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
Complaints and
Lamentations
O my children, you
are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute
hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and
hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout
"stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and
the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches
that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of
age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon
being sent to the corner you ask straightaway, "Can I come out?" and
I reply, "No, you may not come out." And again you ask, and again I
give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come
out.
Hear me, O my
children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth
time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before. For our health,
that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a
year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member
of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are
not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess
not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.
For I will come to
you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills
and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry
the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with loud groaning and bitter tears, and rend my
receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until
you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment