Are You and Your Spouse SOUL Mates … or CELL Mates?

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A Beautiful Wedding Prayer for any Bride and Groom

This prayer was written by Louis H. Evans.

O God of Love, Thou hast established marriage for the welfare and happiness of mankind. Thine was the plan and only with Thee can we work it out with joy. Thou hast said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Now our joys are doubled since the happiness of one is the happiness of the other. Our burdens now are cut in half when we share them -- we divide the load.

Bless this husband. Bless him as provider of nourishment and clothing. Sustain him in all the pressures of his labors for bread. May his strength be her protection, his character be her pride, and may he so live that she will find in him the haven for which the heart of woman truly longs.

Bless this loving wife. Give her tenderness that will make her great, a deep sense of understanding and a great faith in Thee. Give her that inner beauty of soul that never fades, that eternal youth that is found in holding fast the things that never age.

Teach them that marriage is not living merely for each other; it is two joining hands to serve Thee. Give them a great spiritual purpose in life. May they seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and the other things shall be added unto them.

May they not expect of each other the perfection that belongs alone to Thee. May they minimize each other’s weaknesses, be swift to praise and magnify each other’s strengths, and see each other through a lover’s kind and patient eyes.

Now make such assignments to them in Thy will as will develop their characters as they walk together. Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurts to keep them humane, enough failure to keep their hands clenched tightly in Thine, and enough success to encourage them in their walk with Thee.

May they never take each other’s love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, “Out of all this world you have chosen me.”

When life is done, may they be found then as now, hand in hand, still thanking God for each other. May they serve Thee happily, faithfully, together, until at last one shall lay the other into the arms of God.

This we ask through Jesus Christ, great lover of our souls. Amen.

Help for Your Future or Present Marriage: Prepare Enrich

Cory Collins is a licensed facilitator of Prepare Enrich. He does not charge for his assistance.

Prepare Enrich is a tool that assesses couple relationships. It is not exactly a test that people can pass or fail, but a device to measure the strengths and possible growth areas of a couple's relationship.

1. What is the Prepare Enrich assessment?

2. How many people have taken the Prepare Enrich assessment?

3. What are the different inventories?

4. What are the major goals of the Prepare Enrich assessment?

5. What relationship areas are assessed by the Inventories?

6. What evidence is there that the Prepare Enrich assessment is valid and reliable?

7. Who developed the Prepare Enrich assessment?

8. How much does it cost to take the Prepare Enrich assessment?

9. How does a couple sign up?

10. What happens next?

1. What is the Prepare Enrich assessment?
The Prepare Enrich Premarital Assessment is a program based on a set of five inventories that examine major relationship issues a couple may experience. These inventories must be administered by a trained Prepare Enrich Premarital Assessment assessor and include feedback in which the counselor facilitates discussion between the couple based on their inventory results.

2. How many people have taken the Prepare Enrich assessment?
Over 2 million couples (4 million people) have taken the Prepare Enrich Premarital Assessment since it began in 1980.

3. What inventories are available?
Depending on your relational situation you will select one of the following:

- Prepare – Pre-marital couples
- Enrich – Married couples with or without children
- Mate – Couples over the age of 50

4. What are the major goals of the Prepare Enrich program?

There are six goals of the Prepare Enrich program. In order to achieve these goals there are also six corresponding couple exercises designed to help couples improve their relationship skills. The six goals are:

1. To explore Relationship Strengths and Growth Areas
2. To learn Assertiveness and Active Listening Skills
3. To learn how to resolve conflict using the Ten Step Model
4. To help the couple discuss their Family-of-Origin
5. To help the couple with financial planning and budgeting
6. To focus on personal, couple and family goals

5. What relationship areas are assessed by the Inventories?

The following are the 20 relationship areas assessed in each of the five Couple Inventories:

A. Assessment of Significant Issues for Couples (14 scales)

Communication
Conflict Resolution
Personality Issues
Financial Management
Sexual Expectations
Marital Satisfaction
Leisure Activities
Children and Parenting
Family and Friends
Expectations/Cohabitation Issues
Idealistic Distortion
Role Relationship
Spiritual Beliefs

B. Personality Assessment (4 scales):
Assertiveness
Self Confidence
Avoidance
Partner Dominance

C. Couple and Family Map (4 scales):
Family-of-Origin Closeness
Family-of-Origin Flexibility
Couple Closeness
Couple Flexibility

6. What evidence is there that the Prepare Enrich assessment is valid and reliable?

An important strength of the Prepare Enrich Premarital Assessment is its strong psychometric properties. High levels of reliability and validity have been found for each instrument, making them valuable tools for research as well as clinical use. The national norm base, validity and reliability information are listed below.

National Norms based on:
500,000 couples for Prepare
250,000 couples for Enrich
150,000 couples for Mate

High Levels of Validity and Reliability:
Prepare Enrich has validity in that it discriminates premarital couples that get divorced from those that are happily married with about 80-85% accuracy. Reliability is high (alpha reliability of .80 – .85).

7. Who developed the Prepare Enrich assessment inventories?

David H. Olson, Ph.D
Professor Emeritus, Family Social Science, University of Minnesota & President, Life Innovations; Developed ten diagnostic tools and Circumplex Model; Licensed Consulting Psychologist and Licensed Marital & Family Therapist, State of Minnesota.

Joan M. Druckman, Ph.D
Marriage and Family Counselor, Palo Alto, California; Co-directed study on "Effectiveness of Five Types of Premarital Preparation Programs."

David G. Fournier, Ph.D
Associate Professor, Child and Family Development, Oklahoma State University; completed study of reliability and validity of Prepare. Former Director, Marital & Family Therapy Program.

8. How much does it cost to take the Prepare Enrich assessment?

The company charges $35 per couple. Cory Collins does not charge for his assistance as a facilitator.

9. How does a couple sign up?

A couple may not sign up directly, but only by meeting with any licensed facilitator. The facilitator will register the couple by submitting their email addresses to the company. The company will then email the couple. The couple will pay online and take the inventory online.

10. What happens next?

The facilitator will receive a detailed report from the company. The couple will then meet with the facilitator several times to go over the results and go through the various exercises.

Here is the company’s website: https://www.prepare-enrich.com

Steps to Conflict Resolution

Luke 15:20 And [the prodigal son] arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.

What joy there was that day! The lost, wasteful son turned toward home, and his father ran to greet, embrace and reinstate him. Think of all that our gracious God has done to resolve conflict with us, even though the cause of the conflict was our own sin! It was for this purpose that Jesus Christ, the spotless lamb, went to the cross, to reconcile us to God (Rom 5:6-11).

So why is it so hard for us to resolve conflicts among ourselves? What ideas and steps might help husbands and wives, and estranged friends, come back together again?

The following recommendations for conflict resolution are not completely original. In fact, I may have collected them from several sources and edited them as I thought best. Perhaps others will find these approaches useful.

To resolve conflict:

1.    Select one important issue. Decide what the conflict really is. Get beneath outward symptoms to root causes. State the matter as objectively and fairly as possible, in terms that both of you can accept. Not, “You are lazy or selfish!” but, “We are not taking care of this house or our money as we need to.”

2.    Decide how important the conflict is in relative terms. How does it compare to other conflicts you have had or might have on a 1-10 scale? How much of a threat does it pose to your relationship? Is the battle worth the possible cost and damage? What will result if you take no action at this time?

3.    Ask yourself: “What would God want to be the outcome of this conflict? What would Satan want?” Pray that God will work on your heart and your spouse’s heart and that He will protect you from Satan’s attempts to hurt your marriage through this conflict.

4.    Decide that the conflict will be resolved.

5.    Schedule a meeting. Set a time and place without distractions.

6.    Begin with the areas in which you agree. Your family values, your priorities, your beliefs. Start at the top and work your way down. Pleasing God … doing what Jesus would do … serving each other … making your marriage last a lifetime … raising your children to make Christ-centered choices …

7.    List the ways you each have contributed to the problem. Take turns listening and talking. Do not interrupt. Paraphrase each other’s point of view.

8.    List past failed efforts to resolve the issue.

9.    Brainstorm.  Together pool ideas and propose five possible solutions.

10. Discuss and evaluate each approach. Look for a win/win approach.

11. Select one solution that you both agree to try. Give your spouse the opportunity to choose first. If his or her approach is not effective, you will get to try yours.

12. Agree how you each will work toward this solution. Share responsibility.

13. Schedule a meeting within the next week to discuss your progress.

14. Pay attention to each other during the week.  Praise every contribution that your partner makes toward the solution. Put your spouse’s direction above his or her perfection or distance covered.

15. Seek help from a mutual friend, spiritual leader, or professional counselor.

Love - It's Something That We DO

1 Jn 3:18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

Here is a favorite song of Tanya's and mine. Love is a commitment to act, not just a word or an emotion. I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

SOMETHING THAT WE DO – Clint Black

I remember well the day we wed,

I can see that picture in my head.

I still believe the words we said.

Forever will ring true.

Love is certain, love is kind.

Love is yours, and love is mine.

But it isn’t something that we find.

It’s something that we do.

It’s holding tight and letting go.

It’s flying high and laying low.

Let your strongest feelings show,

And your weakness, too.

It’s a little and a lot to ask

An endless and a welcome task.

Love isn’t something that we have.

It’s something that we do.

We help to make each other

All that we can be.

Though we can find our strength and inspiration

Independently.

The way we work together

Is what sets our love apart.

So closely that we can’t tell

Where I end and where you start.

It gives me heart remembering how

We started with a simple vow.

There’s so much to look back on now.

Still it feels brand new.

We’re on a road that has no end.

And each day we begin again.

Love’s not just something that we’re in.

It’s something that we do.

We help to make each other all that we can be.

We can find our strength and inspiration

Independently.

The way we work together

Is what sets our love apart.

So closely that we can’t tell

Where I end and where you start.

Love is wide, love is long,

Love is deep, and love is strong.

Love is why I love this song.

I hope you love it, too.

I remember well the day we wed,

I can see that picture in my head.

Love isn’t just those words we said.

It’s something that we do.

There is no request

Too big or small.

We give ourselves.

We give our all.

Love isn’t someplace that we fall.

It’s something that we do.

Marriage Success Strategies: 4. Reboot

This post is the fourth in a series.

Can you remember how happy you were when you first married? You began a thrilling new adventure, filled with excitement, eagerness, and anticipation. You were madly in love. Every day – every moment – was special. There were no angry words, violent deeds, or episodes of selfish pouting. There were no arguments about money, material possessions, annoying personal habits, or anything else. It was, after all, the honeymoon.

However, the word “honeymoon” originally referred to the initial sweetness of wedded bliss (“honey”), that was typically expected to last only a month (“moon”)! Well, whether a week, a month, or even a couple of years, that first sense of euphoria can give way over time to complacency, laziness, and indifference. It can even turn into resentment, hostility, and divorce.

For some fun and truth mixed together, see the “Seven Stages of the Married Cold.” http://www.skywriting.net/inspirational/humor/the_married_cold.html

When a computer or network becomes sluggish or is infected with a virus, the “System Restore” function makes it lean, clean, and new once more. The same kind of step may work to revitalize and rejuvenate your marriage. Don’t give it the boot; give it the reboot!

Today is the first day of the rest – and potentially the best – of your married life. Decide to start over – right now. Whatever the past, there is hope for the future, depending on the choices you make in the present. The Bible is all about rebooting. When Noah and his family left the ark, they restarted their lives in a clean, fresh world. When the Israelites were oppressed in Egypt, God gave them an “extreme makeover,” a new beginning in the Promised Land. After the seventy-year exile in Babylon, God brought the people of Judah home – again.

After Simon Peter’s denials the resurrected Lord met him near where the disciples were fishing. He asked Peter three times, “Do you love Me?” Peter could answer afresh, leaving the past behind and starting over. And so he did.

Researches agree that marriages tend to go through seven stages. They are:

Excitement: enjoying the honeymoon.

Realization: becoming aware of imperfection.

Rebellion: fighting to get some independence back.

Cooperation: working together to raise the kids and pay the bills.

Reunion: drawing closer after the nest becomes empty.

Explosion: dealing with crises, such as loss of job or health.

Completion: reaching the end of this life, with peace and accomplishment.

For details see: http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/578832-7-stages-of-marriage.html.

How do you reboot your marriage?

● Seek first the kingdom. Matt 6:33

The strongest glue between any two people is the unity of spirit they can share in the Lord. It will sustain them through the toughest times and strongest storms. Over time, though, struggling couples stop praying, worshiping, and studying the Bible together. Solution? Get in the Word, on your knees, and in the church. The closer you are to Jesus, the closer your spouse will want to be to you. As you follow Him, your wife or husband will naturally receive a better mate as a result.

● Revisit your happy, early days. Gen 29:20

The seven years that Jacob worked to get Rachel seemed to him but a few days, because of the love he had for her. You likely remember that feeling as well. What happened to it? How, when, and why? What would it take to get it back?

● Open your heart. 2 Cor 6:11-13

Paul recognized that the Corinthians had become strained in their affections toward him. They withheld their love, their warmth, and their attention. The same thing happens in marriages. Couples allow misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and past words and deeds to shut down the openness they once shared. They drift apart because they no longer talk and listen. If they would clear the debris and remove the blockage, their spirits could be one again.

● Build and strengthen trust every day. 1 Cor 4:2

          As a steward Paul sought first to be faithful or trustworthy. Trust can take only a moment to be destroyed but a lifetime to try to rebuild. For a marriage to reboot each spouse must determine, “Starting today, and every day, I will earn and maintain your trust regarding where I am, what I am doing, and who I am with. I will never give you reason to doubt my inetgrity and fidelity.”

● Ask. Don’t assume. Eph 4:29

When a marriage is in a rut, spouses take each other for granted. Each assumes that the other knows his or her thoughts, feelings, and needs. Pride keeps them from seeking each other’s help and counsel. To reboot your marriage, learn what your spouse feels and needs. Listen more than you talk. Admit what you don’t know. Follow Eph 4:29, speaking only words that encourage, offer grace, and build up.

● Honor her or him above yourself. 1 Pet 3:7-8

Prov 31:10 notes that an excellent wife is worth than rubies. A marriage can start fresh when spouses recognize each other’s value. Starting today, they express both publicly and privately, “You mean more to me than any other person on earth.” Do you want to reboot your marriage? Make your mate feel appreciated, affirmed, and esteemed.

● Do not expect perfection. Ps 103:8-9, 14

Since the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, should we not be the same? Since he does not keep his anger forever, how can we? Since he knows our frame, and remembers that we are dust, shall we not treat our spouses likewise?

● Give more than you take. Give whatever it takes. Matt 5:41

Unhappy marriages involve spouses who are scorekeepers; they are out to be sure they get the most points. Renewed marriages focus on giving instead. Unhappy marriages fail due to lack of commitment. People decide in advance what they are willing to give, and then they quit. Rebooted marriages thrive on sacrifice, patience, and kindness. They flourish with thoughtfulness, tenderness, and unselfishness.

● Model Christ and the church. Eph 5:22-33

Marriages disintegrate because men will not take the spiritual lead and  / or women will not follow their lead. When the husband parallels Christ as the loving head, and the wife reflects the church as the submitted bride, their marriage can start fresh and stay that way.

● Make the most of every day. Heb 3:13

Live so that, at the end of every day, your spouse will say, “I’m so glad God gave you to me. I’d say, ‘I do,’ all over again!” As Clint Back wrote: “When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time, Be faithful and true, devoted to you. That's what I had in mind when I said I do.” I also love these words from the Forester Sisters: “I'd choose you again. I'd choose you again. If God gave me the chance to do it all again, oh, I'd carefully consider every choice and then, out of all the boys in the world, I'd choose you again.”

Cory Collins

http://corycollins.net/

Marriage Success Strategies:3. Honor

This post is the third in a series.

According to Patricia McGerr, writing in the February, 1988, Reader’s Digest, Johnny Lingo was a shrewd Polynesian trader who visited the Kiniwata Island in the Pacific. He was looking for a wife, and he met a young, single woman named Sarita. The custom was that a man would offer a girl’s father two or three cows as a gift when he asked for her hand in marriage. Some eligible young ladies brought more beef than others! Lingo did what most considered unthinkable. He gave Sarita’s father eight cows. Eight cows! The wedding took place, and she was known from that point on as the “eight-cow woman.” That may not be the most desirable nickname, but the effect was powerful. Sarita held her head higher, stood taller, and faced life more confidently just because of what her husband thought she was worth. 
Source: http://www.ultimatehusband.com/8cow_wife.htm

What would it do for your marriage, for your spouse, and even for you, if you dedicated yourself to honoring your mate? The fact is that every word and every action in every marriage is a value statement. We put a price tag on our wife or husband by the way we treat her or him every day.

The Word of God specifically commands men as follows. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet 3:7, ESV).

In a failing marriage, at least one person feels dishonored, undervalued, mistreated, and disrespected. Words are caustic and strike below the belt. Body language and tone also intimidate, cut down, and dishonor.

● “I can’t believe you’re so dumb! Don’t you know better than that?”

● “You look ridiculous in that outfit! Why can’t you dress like her?”

● “You know, the guy I could have married makes a lot more money than you! Why don’t you do something important with your life?”

● “You bought WHAT? Don’t you have any sense at all?”

● “No wonder you have turned out like you have, considering how awful / rude / ugly / selfish / mean / stingy your mother (or father) is.”

● “You are an embarrassment to me.”

● “You’ll never amount to anything.”

● “You never do anything right.”

● “What was I thinking when I married you?”

● “I told my best friend how lazy and selfish you are. He (or she) agreed.”

In a failing marriage, the message is, “You are worthless, insignificant, unintelligent, inferior, and useless.”

The children learn from their parents how to dishonor others in order to get their way. They disobey their teachers. They hurt and yell at their siblings. They mock, mimic, and ridicule people in authority. They become bullies. In their fights, the one who hurts the other the most is the winner. They are just doing to others what Mom or Dad has done to the other parent, and to the children as well.

Many times people dishonor their mates because they feel like failures themselves. “Misery loves company.” People who dislike themselves can be very effective at finding fault with others. Then the marriage can become a contest to see who can depreciate the other the most and the fastest.

In a successful marriage, both spouses choose the opposite approach instead. Each determines, “Today I will place the highest value I possibly can on my mate. I will affirm, uplift, and reinforce him or her. I will go first and take the initiative. I will continue to honor him or her, regardless of circumstances or challenges, because I honor the Lord by doing so.”

There are countless ways to express this idea in marriage. Time invested, gifts of genuine appreciation, and sharing in the other person’s interest all say, “You are an eight-cow woman!” Bringing coffee, opening a door, squeezing an arm, and holding hands are simple but clear signals that say, “You are precious to me.” Here are some specific words that honor, also.

● “I can’t get over it! Of all the people you could have married, you chose me! I am most blessed to get to spend this life with you.”

● “I appreciate the things you do over and over to help keep our family going. You wash the dishes, mow the grass, take our kids to school, etc. I notice, and I am determined not to take you for granted.”

● “I could never pay you what you’re worth to me.”

● “I value your time and your patience. I know that sometimes I nag and complain. I’m sorry. You’re worth so much more to me than that.”

● “My goal is to become the man or woman who deserves you.”

● “You are such an influential role model for our son (or daughter). I’m so glad that he (or she) has you for a father (or mother).”

● “I really admire you because …”

● “I value your opinion, and I’d really like to hear what you think.”

● “I have noticed how sweet / thoughtful / generous / kind your mother (or father) can be. I am thankful for your family’s good qualities.”

● “I told my best friend how thoughtful, supportive, and unselfish you are. He (or she) agreed.”

Children learn the honor principle from their parents. They “honor father and mother” as the Bible teaches. They respect authority in the home, in the school, in the streets, and in the church. They bring the honor principle into their own marriages, and the cycle continues.

Do you want a successful, happy marriage? Just decide what it’s worth to you, and what your spouse is worth, and act accordingly.

Cory Collins