Are You and Your Spouse SOUL Mates … or CELL Mates?

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So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her. Gen 29:20

Though there are many degrees in between, and though marriages may be measured in any number of ways, we may consider it as fact that some husbands and wives are soul mates, while others feel more like cell mates. The former seem to have hearts that beat together; the latter may want to beat each other, physically and/or emotionally. Very happy couples sprint hand in hand. Sad couples drag on, feeling locked in handcuffs by the marriage “bond.”

Virtually every person, when marriage begins, thinks he or she has found a soul mate. All is blissful, peaceful, and rewarding. Yet, ironically, months or years later, the joys have turned to chains. The husband (and/or the wife) feels imprisoned and yearns to breathe free! What happened? What can be done about it? If in your marriage you feel like a cell mate …

• Remember and renew the earlier, happier days. When you were free, you chose not to stay that way. Why? Tell your spouse, “I chose you because …” “Some of my favorite memories with you are …” “God blessed us when …”
• Admit the unkind ways you have helped to create the prison. “I have been impatient … unfair … selfish … arrogant.” “I have expected too much, and given too little.” Then, and only then, ask your spouse to take responsibility for his or her part as well.
• Realize that your spouse may feel trapped as well. Give your cell mate some slack, some gratitude, some support. Decrease his or her misery, and you will ease your own. The more you pull on his or her handcuff, the more your own wrist will ache.
• Let some fresh air into the cell. Stop arguing for a week, and talk about areas of agreement, especially basic values. Read the Bible together and pray. Talk about faith, hope, and love. Go for a walk. Share a new hobby and a new church ministry.
• Invite a trusted friend into the cell. An elder or preacher, with his wife, can listen, pray, and offer confidential, godly counsel. So can a trained Christian therapist. Do not be ashamed. Do not deny your struggles. Do not let the devil win.
• Act like a soul mate first. Be the person that you would want to share a cell with, before you ask your mate to be that person. Allow your spouse time to deal with the shock.
• Husbands, ask your wives, “How can I love you in the ways that you most want and need to be loved?” Then act on her response. Besides what that will do for her, it will allow you to enjoy the freedom that comes by choosing to love.
• Wives, ask your husbands, “How can I respect you in the ways that you most want and need to be respected?” Then act on his response. You’ll not only help him stand tall; you’ll likely be amazed at the way he treats you as a result.
• Become a closer soul mate of Jesus Christ. Let His beauty be seen and reflected in you. He forgives. He encourages. He affirms. His yoke is easy, because He shares and carries the load with you. The more you think, speak, and act like Jesus, the more your spouse will want to be bound to you for life.

Sometimes just the title of a song captures an idea, like “(Happy to Be) Stuck with You,” sung by Huey Lewis & The News. That title combines these two great elements: joy and permanence. They are not contradictory; they belong together.

However, Tanya and I particularly love the lyrics of the song, “Something That We Do,” sung by Clint Black. Here are the words.

I remember well the day we wed, I can see that picture in my head.
I still believe the words we said, forever will ring true.

Love is certain, love is kind, love is yours, and love is mine,
But it isn’t something that we find. It’s something that we do.

It’s holding tight, and letting go. It’s flying high and lying low.
Let your strongest feelings show, and your weakness, too.

It’s a little and a lot to ask, an endless and a welcome task.
Love isn’t something that we have. It’s something that we do.

We help to make each other all that we can be,
Though we could find our strength and inspiration independently.
The way we work together is what sets our love apart,
So closely that we can’t tell where I end and where you start.

It gives me heart remembering how, we started with a simple vow.
There’s so much to look back on now. Still, it feels brand-new.

We’re on a road that has no end, and each day we begin again.
Love’s not just something that we’re in. It’s something that we do.

We help to make each other all that we can be,
Though we could find our strength and inspiration independently.
The way we work together is what sets our love apart,
So closely that we can’t tell where I end and where you start.

Love is wide, love is long, love is deep, and love is strong.
Love is why I love this song. I hope you love it, too.

I remember well the day we wed. I can see that picture in my head.
Love isn’t just those words we said. It’s something that we do.

There’s no request too big or small. We give ourselves; we give our all.
Love isn’t someplace that we fall. It’s something that we do.

---

If you feel like cell mates, but you want to feel like soul mates, you probably already know where the keys are. Use them and enjoy the results!

A Beautiful Wedding Prayer for any Bride and Groom

This prayer was written by Louis H. Evans.

O God of Love, Thou hast established marriage for the welfare and happiness of mankind. Thine was the plan and only with Thee can we work it out with joy. Thou hast said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Now our joys are doubled since the happiness of one is the happiness of the other. Our burdens now are cut in half when we share them -- we divide the load.

Bless this husband. Bless him as provider of nourishment and clothing. Sustain him in all the pressures of his labors for bread. May his strength be her protection, his character be her pride, and may he so live that she will find in him the haven for which the heart of woman truly longs.

Bless this loving wife. Give her tenderness that will make her great, a deep sense of understanding and a great faith in Thee. Give her that inner beauty of soul that never fades, that eternal youth that is found in holding fast the things that never age.

Teach them that marriage is not living merely for each other; it is two joining hands to serve Thee. Give them a great spiritual purpose in life. May they seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and the other things shall be added unto them.

May they not expect of each other the perfection that belongs alone to Thee. May they minimize each other’s weaknesses, be swift to praise and magnify each other’s strengths, and see each other through a lover’s kind and patient eyes.

Now make such assignments to them in Thy will as will develop their characters as they walk together. Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurts to keep them humane, enough failure to keep their hands clenched tightly in Thine, and enough success to encourage them in their walk with Thee.

May they never take each other’s love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, “Out of all this world you have chosen me.”

When life is done, may they be found then as now, hand in hand, still thanking God for each other. May they serve Thee happily, faithfully, together, until at last one shall lay the other into the arms of God.

This we ask through Jesus Christ, great lover of our souls. Amen.

Help for Your Future or Present Marriage: Prepare Enrich

Cory Collins is a licensed facilitator of Prepare Enrich. He does not charge for his assistance.

Prepare Enrich is a tool that assesses couple relationships. It is not exactly a test that people can pass or fail, but a device to measure the strengths and possible growth areas of a couple's relationship.

1. What is the Prepare Enrich assessment?

2. How many people have taken the Prepare Enrich assessment?

3. What are the different inventories?

4. What are the major goals of the Prepare Enrich assessment?

5. What relationship areas are assessed by the Inventories?

6. What evidence is there that the Prepare Enrich assessment is valid and reliable?

7. Who developed the Prepare Enrich assessment?

8. How much does it cost to take the Prepare Enrich assessment?

9. How does a couple sign up?

10. What happens next?

1. What is the Prepare Enrich assessment?
The Prepare Enrich Premarital Assessment is a program based on a set of five inventories that examine major relationship issues a couple may experience. These inventories must be administered by a trained Prepare Enrich Premarital Assessment assessor and include feedback in which the counselor facilitates discussion between the couple based on their inventory results.

2. How many people have taken the Prepare Enrich assessment?
Over 2 million couples (4 million people) have taken the Prepare Enrich Premarital Assessment since it began in 1980.

3. What inventories are available?
Depending on your relational situation you will select one of the following:

- Prepare – Pre-marital couples
- Enrich – Married couples with or without children
- Mate – Couples over the age of 50

4. What are the major goals of the Prepare Enrich program?

There are six goals of the Prepare Enrich program. In order to achieve these goals there are also six corresponding couple exercises designed to help couples improve their relationship skills. The six goals are:

1. To explore Relationship Strengths and Growth Areas
2. To learn Assertiveness and Active Listening Skills
3. To learn how to resolve conflict using the Ten Step Model
4. To help the couple discuss their Family-of-Origin
5. To help the couple with financial planning and budgeting
6. To focus on personal, couple and family goals

5. What relationship areas are assessed by the Inventories?

The following are the 20 relationship areas assessed in each of the five Couple Inventories:

A. Assessment of Significant Issues for Couples (14 scales)

Communication
Conflict Resolution
Personality Issues
Financial Management
Sexual Expectations
Marital Satisfaction
Leisure Activities
Children and Parenting
Family and Friends
Expectations/Cohabitation Issues
Idealistic Distortion
Role Relationship
Spiritual Beliefs

B. Personality Assessment (4 scales):
Assertiveness
Self Confidence
Avoidance
Partner Dominance

C. Couple and Family Map (4 scales):
Family-of-Origin Closeness
Family-of-Origin Flexibility
Couple Closeness
Couple Flexibility

6. What evidence is there that the Prepare Enrich assessment is valid and reliable?

An important strength of the Prepare Enrich Premarital Assessment is its strong psychometric properties. High levels of reliability and validity have been found for each instrument, making them valuable tools for research as well as clinical use. The national norm base, validity and reliability information are listed below.

National Norms based on:
500,000 couples for Prepare
250,000 couples for Enrich
150,000 couples for Mate

High Levels of Validity and Reliability:
Prepare Enrich has validity in that it discriminates premarital couples that get divorced from those that are happily married with about 80-85% accuracy. Reliability is high (alpha reliability of .80 – .85).

7. Who developed the Prepare Enrich assessment inventories?

David H. Olson, Ph.D
Professor Emeritus, Family Social Science, University of Minnesota & President, Life Innovations; Developed ten diagnostic tools and Circumplex Model; Licensed Consulting Psychologist and Licensed Marital & Family Therapist, State of Minnesota.

Joan M. Druckman, Ph.D
Marriage and Family Counselor, Palo Alto, California; Co-directed study on "Effectiveness of Five Types of Premarital Preparation Programs."

David G. Fournier, Ph.D
Associate Professor, Child and Family Development, Oklahoma State University; completed study of reliability and validity of Prepare. Former Director, Marital & Family Therapy Program.

8. How much does it cost to take the Prepare Enrich assessment?

The company charges $35 per couple. Cory Collins does not charge for his assistance as a facilitator.

9. How does a couple sign up?

A couple may not sign up directly, but only by meeting with any licensed facilitator. The facilitator will register the couple by submitting their email addresses to the company. The company will then email the couple. The couple will pay online and take the inventory online.

10. What happens next?

The facilitator will receive a detailed report from the company. The couple will then meet with the facilitator several times to go over the results and go through the various exercises.

Here is the company’s website: https://www.prepare-enrich.com

Steps to Conflict Resolution

Luke 15:20 And [the prodigal son] arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.

What joy there was that day! The lost, wasteful son turned toward home, and his father ran to greet, embrace and reinstate him. Think of all that our gracious God has done to resolve conflict with us, even though the cause of the conflict was our own sin! It was for this purpose that Jesus Christ, the spotless lamb, went to the cross, to reconcile us to God (Rom 5:6-11).

So why is it so hard for us to resolve conflicts among ourselves? What ideas and steps might help husbands and wives, and estranged friends, come back together again?

The following recommendations for conflict resolution are not completely original. In fact, I may have collected them from several sources and edited them as I thought best. Perhaps others will find these approaches useful.

To resolve conflict:

1.    Select one important issue. Decide what the conflict really is. Get beneath outward symptoms to root causes. State the matter as objectively and fairly as possible, in terms that both of you can accept. Not, “You are lazy or selfish!” but, “We are not taking care of this house or our money as we need to.”

2.    Decide how important the conflict is in relative terms. How does it compare to other conflicts you have had or might have on a 1-10 scale? How much of a threat does it pose to your relationship? Is the battle worth the possible cost and damage? What will result if you take no action at this time?

3.    Ask yourself: “What would God want to be the outcome of this conflict? What would Satan want?” Pray that God will work on your heart and your spouse’s heart and that He will protect you from Satan’s attempts to hurt your marriage through this conflict.

4.    Decide that the conflict will be resolved.

5.    Schedule a meeting. Set a time and place without distractions.

6.    Begin with the areas in which you agree. Your family values, your priorities, your beliefs. Start at the top and work your way down. Pleasing God … doing what Jesus would do … serving each other … making your marriage last a lifetime … raising your children to make Christ-centered choices …

7.    List the ways you each have contributed to the problem. Take turns listening and talking. Do not interrupt. Paraphrase each other’s point of view.

8.    List past failed efforts to resolve the issue.

9.    Brainstorm.  Together pool ideas and propose five possible solutions.

10. Discuss and evaluate each approach. Look for a win/win approach.

11. Select one solution that you both agree to try. Give your spouse the opportunity to choose first. If his or her approach is not effective, you will get to try yours.

12. Agree how you each will work toward this solution. Share responsibility.

13. Schedule a meeting within the next week to discuss your progress.

14. Pay attention to each other during the week.  Praise every contribution that your partner makes toward the solution. Put your spouse’s direction above his or her perfection or distance covered.

15. Seek help from a mutual friend, spiritual leader, or professional counselor.

Love - It's Something That We DO

1 Jn 3:18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

Here is a favorite song of Tanya's and mine. Love is a commitment to act, not just a word or an emotion. I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

SOMETHING THAT WE DO – Clint Black

I remember well the day we wed,

I can see that picture in my head.

I still believe the words we said.

Forever will ring true.

Love is certain, love is kind.

Love is yours, and love is mine.

But it isn’t something that we find.

It’s something that we do.

It’s holding tight and letting go.

It’s flying high and laying low.

Let your strongest feelings show,

And your weakness, too.

It’s a little and a lot to ask

An endless and a welcome task.

Love isn’t something that we have.

It’s something that we do.

We help to make each other

All that we can be.

Though we can find our strength and inspiration

Independently.

The way we work together

Is what sets our love apart.

So closely that we can’t tell

Where I end and where you start.

It gives me heart remembering how

We started with a simple vow.

There’s so much to look back on now.

Still it feels brand new.

We’re on a road that has no end.

And each day we begin again.

Love’s not just something that we’re in.

It’s something that we do.

We help to make each other all that we can be.

We can find our strength and inspiration

Independently.

The way we work together

Is what sets our love apart.

So closely that we can’t tell

Where I end and where you start.

Love is wide, love is long,

Love is deep, and love is strong.

Love is why I love this song.

I hope you love it, too.

I remember well the day we wed,

I can see that picture in my head.

Love isn’t just those words we said.

It’s something that we do.

There is no request

Too big or small.

We give ourselves.

We give our all.

Love isn’t someplace that we fall.

It’s something that we do.